Struggle

Last week and early on this week were really rough for me.  I felt very overwhelmed and completely out of control and like a complete failure.  Of course, this resulted in me being a giant bitch to Derrick when he would come home.  Part of me was feeling so jealous that he got to get away from the craziness for 8 hours a day five days a week and the other part of me was feeling like I was doing absolutely everything around the house.

Needless to say, Derrick scolded me a couple of times for not asking for help.  We have many friends and family who are willingly offering to help when needed, but I'm not someone who easily asks for it.  I have asked for help a few times over the course of the last few months and that in itself was a big deal to me.  This is something I have to get better at.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness and in the long run it will make me less stressed and a lot happier.

At the same time I was not wanting to get out of bed in the morning (which at first I just thought it was because I was sleep deprived) and not really wanting to leave the house either (very unlike me).  I had to force myself to do these things.  I also didn't care about how I looked and I felt sorry for myself.  There was also more crying than usual on my part and definite resentment of any other person who got to go to work every day.    

After a week or so of this, I was worried that I may be suffering from post partum depression.  I went so far as to read up on it online and felt that it was describing me.  I finally told Derrick this on Monday (as I broke down crying) and he recommended I talk to someone.  I made the deal that I would give it to the end of the week and if I still felt the same way I would go to my Dr.  I am happy to say that I don't feel nearly as crazy as I did a week ago.  I think one of the contributing factors was that my parents had been away for a month and I was feeling the missing helping hands.  My mom also doesn't work so she is able to help out during the days, which is huge!

I think Post Partum Depression is something that all women need to be aware of.  There is no shame in asking for help in this area.  It will make you feel better and help you to be a better mom.

Also keep in mind that there are going to be days when you really have no control over what is going on and how the kids will act.  I had a couple of days like that this week and I just had to keep saying to myself "I love my life".  In all reality, I was trying to convince myself of this, because at that moment I hated my life and would have given anything to be anywhere else.  It sounds silly, but if the babies are crying and being fussy and Jayna decides to throw a fit, all while I'm making dinner, I just want to lose my mind.  Reminding myself of how fortunate I am to have three little ones helps me to stay a bit more calm.

On another note, I am feeling a lot more connected to the twins.  I was struggling with this, and in turn, feeling like a terrible mother.  I was feeling as though everything was work and a chore with them and that I didn't get a lot of quality cuddle time without feeling guilty because there were a million other things that needed to get done.  As the babies are becoming more alert and smiling a lot more, I am definitely feeling a lot more connected, which is helping me to feel happier as well.

I wish people would realize that it does actually take a little while to create that special bond with your baby.  Of course you feel love for them right away, but in my experience, it wasn't that crazy romanticized love that people talk about as soon as your child is born.  I remember going through the same thing with Jayna and my cousin's wife had felt the same way with her children.  I felt the mom feel and instinct right away, but that connection you get from loving someone like crazy grew over time.  This took a little longer with the twins because you get less one on one time with each of them, but we are definitely getting there!