Stay at home Moms, you're my hero!!!!

I have always known that I would never be cut out to be a stay at home mom.  I remember when I was pregnant with Jayna and telling my principal that I may be back to work in September (and Jayna was born in March).  He said to me, "Things may change once you have the baby."  Needless to say, things didn't change.  I enjoyed my time off, but there were many moments when I couldn't wait to get back to work.  

Why is it that I feel so much guilt for not feeling the stay at home mom vibe?  I feel like I should want to stay at home with my children for as long as possible.  In a way, I envy the moms who love being a stay at home mom.  I was raised by a stay at home mom and it was great, but it's not me.  My mom always knew she wanted to have kids and stay home with them.  I wasn't always sure I wanted to have children and once we decided to have kids, I knew I would be a working mother.  I feel as though I didn't go to university for 6 years to be a stay at home mom.  It sounds weird, but working makes me a better mom.  

Since we found out we were expecting twins, many people ask, are you going back to work?  On the inside, I laugh at that, yet I still feel tremendous guilt for feeling that way.  Let's put it this way, if someone was going to quit their job to stay home with the kids, it wouldn't be me!   

I thought I was excited to get back to work with one child...wow has that ever multiplied with three!!!!  Once again, I love all of my children, but I also appreciate quality time with them.  I remember it being very stressful when I went back to work after having Jayna.  Once we got settled in and I figured out the whole cooking a quick meal and making time for her, it was great.  We made an effort to go to the park or a walk every night when it was nice.  On nights when it wasn't quite so nice, we made a special effort to play with Jayna and save the supper clean up until she was in bed.  I really appreciated the quality vs quantity time with her.  I feel like I appreciated her more and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with her.  I was able to enjoy my time at work, but then look forward to seeing her at the end of the day.

I have said that I want to enjoy my children and not resent them.  I'm pretty sure that if I gave up my career to stay at home, I would resent them and that is definitely the last thing that I want.  I love being a mom, but I am way more than that (and I do love my job).  I really look forward to returning to work.  With that comes adult conversation every day and a lot of laughter.  I also am excited to get back to coaching basketball.  I look forward to feeling like I'm accomplishing something in a day.  I know that raising my children is a big task and accomplishment, but like to feel like I'm a part of something more than doing laundry, cooking supper, making bottles, dealing with crying babies, and making sure Jayna doesn't smother her little brother and sister.  I'm very lucky to have a supportive husband who realizes that I'm a better mom when I can have my own life as well.    

I know I shouldn't make jokes, but honestly, some days I feel like I could become an alcoholic just to take the edge off of everyone needing me and for days like today when Jayna is driving me crazy and the babies are needier than usual.    

When I'm not working, (I'm a teacher so I feel this in the summer too, although it's nice and we can get outside to pass the day) I feel that when my husband gets home, I can shut down and he can have time with the children.  I know that this isn't fair, but it is what I really want to do.  This is definitely a hard time for me, but I also know that it can't be easy for Derrick either, working and then coming home to our crazy house with three crazy kids and a crazy mom. 

I think that Derrick got a glimpse of what life is like during the day at home.  We went grocery shopping right after work and I bought a bunch of stuff to prepare some freezer slow cooker meals (thanks Pinterest, you are a lifesaver!!!).  This meant that after dinner, I spent two hours chopping veggies and preparing about 15 meals worth of food.  It was a lot of work on the front end, but later I can just pull it out and pretty much just chuck it in the slow cooker.  Anyway, while I was doing this, Jayna had to be put to bed, which involved her goofing around "sitting on the potty" for 15 minutes, while Mara was crying.  After Jayna got her potty fix, he put her to bed (Mara's still crying) and then the babies needed to be fed and put to bed.  Once this was all done, I asked Derrick if he now understood why I'm always so proud of myself that I get anything done during the day.  Needless to say, he didn't really say much.     

Although I can't wait to get back to work, I make sure to enjoy the time I have at home.  I know they don't stay this little for long, just look at how much they've changed in two months!  Until then, the thought of returning to work helps me to get through the day.  10 months and counting......