Mother of the year.....not

I had a rough day today.  Things have been busy and I was looking forward to getting a few things done around the house, like catching up on laundry and all that fun stuff.  Well the day started with Jayna not feeling well, but we sent her to daycare anyway.  Jayna ended up coming home at noon because she had a fever and was lethargic.  By this point I had already had it with the babies.  If one of them wasn't fussing, they both were.  I just wanted to read the paper and drink my coffee in silence this morning, but that clearly didn't happen.  

Needless to say, even if I was dealing with a baby, I had a two year old glued to me and wanting to cuddle.  Usually she's pretty independent, so this was totally out of the norm for her.  As much as I like the cuddles, I was annoyed.  Thank goodness my aunt came over and helped out.  I don't know how I would have made it through the day without her being here this afternoon.  

Anyway, the moment that won me the mother of the year award is when the babies were still fussing in the evening,  I went on a rant that involved a few swears and I proceeded to say that I hate being a mother to three little ones.  I obviously felt like crap right after I said that, but I did feel that in a certain way at that moment.  The fact that I usually don't actually get to the washroom throughout the day and often end up missing lunch are just the tip of the iceberg to the frustration I was feeling at that moment.  

After they were in bed, I thought to myself, I'm the worst mother ever.  I realized at this moment, that most moms have probably felt that way at one moment or another, but they just didn't voice it (I don't blame them).  We as mothers need to stop being so hard on ourselves.  We are humans too.

Despite saying what I did, I love my children all very much and look forward to seeing them when they wake in the morning (and I guess in the middle of the night).  I know that we are very fortunate to have three healthy children and I am very thankful for that every day.  

Struggle

Last week and early on this week were really rough for me.  I felt very overwhelmed and completely out of control and like a complete failure.  Of course, this resulted in me being a giant bitch to Derrick when he would come home.  Part of me was feeling so jealous that he got to get away from the craziness for 8 hours a day five days a week and the other part of me was feeling like I was doing absolutely everything around the house.

Needless to say, Derrick scolded me a couple of times for not asking for help.  We have many friends and family who are willingly offering to help when needed, but I'm not someone who easily asks for it.  I have asked for help a few times over the course of the last few months and that in itself was a big deal to me.  This is something I have to get better at.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness and in the long run it will make me less stressed and a lot happier.

At the same time I was not wanting to get out of bed in the morning (which at first I just thought it was because I was sleep deprived) and not really wanting to leave the house either (very unlike me).  I had to force myself to do these things.  I also didn't care about how I looked and I felt sorry for myself.  There was also more crying than usual on my part and definite resentment of any other person who got to go to work every day.    

After a week or so of this, I was worried that I may be suffering from post partum depression.  I went so far as to read up on it online and felt that it was describing me.  I finally told Derrick this on Monday (as I broke down crying) and he recommended I talk to someone.  I made the deal that I would give it to the end of the week and if I still felt the same way I would go to my Dr.  I am happy to say that I don't feel nearly as crazy as I did a week ago.  I think one of the contributing factors was that my parents had been away for a month and I was feeling the missing helping hands.  My mom also doesn't work so she is able to help out during the days, which is huge!

I think Post Partum Depression is something that all women need to be aware of.  There is no shame in asking for help in this area.  It will make you feel better and help you to be a better mom.

Also keep in mind that there are going to be days when you really have no control over what is going on and how the kids will act.  I had a couple of days like that this week and I just had to keep saying to myself "I love my life".  In all reality, I was trying to convince myself of this, because at that moment I hated my life and would have given anything to be anywhere else.  It sounds silly, but if the babies are crying and being fussy and Jayna decides to throw a fit, all while I'm making dinner, I just want to lose my mind.  Reminding myself of how fortunate I am to have three little ones helps me to stay a bit more calm.

On another note, I am feeling a lot more connected to the twins.  I was struggling with this, and in turn, feeling like a terrible mother.  I was feeling as though everything was work and a chore with them and that I didn't get a lot of quality cuddle time without feeling guilty because there were a million other things that needed to get done.  As the babies are becoming more alert and smiling a lot more, I am definitely feeling a lot more connected, which is helping me to feel happier as well.

I wish people would realize that it does actually take a little while to create that special bond with your baby.  Of course you feel love for them right away, but in my experience, it wasn't that crazy romanticized love that people talk about as soon as your child is born.  I remember going through the same thing with Jayna and my cousin's wife had felt the same way with her children.  I felt the mom feel and instinct right away, but that connection you get from loving someone like crazy grew over time.  This took a little longer with the twins because you get less one on one time with each of them, but we are definitely getting there!

Stay at home Moms, you're my hero!!!!

I have always known that I would never be cut out to be a stay at home mom.  I remember when I was pregnant with Jayna and telling my principal that I may be back to work in September (and Jayna was born in March).  He said to me, "Things may change once you have the baby."  Needless to say, things didn't change.  I enjoyed my time off, but there were many moments when I couldn't wait to get back to work.  

Why is it that I feel so much guilt for not feeling the stay at home mom vibe?  I feel like I should want to stay at home with my children for as long as possible.  In a way, I envy the moms who love being a stay at home mom.  I was raised by a stay at home mom and it was great, but it's not me.  My mom always knew she wanted to have kids and stay home with them.  I wasn't always sure I wanted to have children and once we decided to have kids, I knew I would be a working mother.  I feel as though I didn't go to university for 6 years to be a stay at home mom.  It sounds weird, but working makes me a better mom.  

Since we found out we were expecting twins, many people ask, are you going back to work?  On the inside, I laugh at that, yet I still feel tremendous guilt for feeling that way.  Let's put it this way, if someone was going to quit their job to stay home with the kids, it wouldn't be me!   

I thought I was excited to get back to work with one child...wow has that ever multiplied with three!!!!  Once again, I love all of my children, but I also appreciate quality time with them.  I remember it being very stressful when I went back to work after having Jayna.  Once we got settled in and I figured out the whole cooking a quick meal and making time for her, it was great.  We made an effort to go to the park or a walk every night when it was nice.  On nights when it wasn't quite so nice, we made a special effort to play with Jayna and save the supper clean up until she was in bed.  I really appreciated the quality vs quantity time with her.  I feel like I appreciated her more and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with her.  I was able to enjoy my time at work, but then look forward to seeing her at the end of the day.

I have said that I want to enjoy my children and not resent them.  I'm pretty sure that if I gave up my career to stay at home, I would resent them and that is definitely the last thing that I want.  I love being a mom, but I am way more than that (and I do love my job).  I really look forward to returning to work.  With that comes adult conversation every day and a lot of laughter.  I also am excited to get back to coaching basketball.  I look forward to feeling like I'm accomplishing something in a day.  I know that raising my children is a big task and accomplishment, but like to feel like I'm a part of something more than doing laundry, cooking supper, making bottles, dealing with crying babies, and making sure Jayna doesn't smother her little brother and sister.  I'm very lucky to have a supportive husband who realizes that I'm a better mom when I can have my own life as well.    

I know I shouldn't make jokes, but honestly, some days I feel like I could become an alcoholic just to take the edge off of everyone needing me and for days like today when Jayna is driving me crazy and the babies are needier than usual.    

When I'm not working, (I'm a teacher so I feel this in the summer too, although it's nice and we can get outside to pass the day) I feel that when my husband gets home, I can shut down and he can have time with the children.  I know that this isn't fair, but it is what I really want to do.  This is definitely a hard time for me, but I also know that it can't be easy for Derrick either, working and then coming home to our crazy house with three crazy kids and a crazy mom. 

I think that Derrick got a glimpse of what life is like during the day at home.  We went grocery shopping right after work and I bought a bunch of stuff to prepare some freezer slow cooker meals (thanks Pinterest, you are a lifesaver!!!).  This meant that after dinner, I spent two hours chopping veggies and preparing about 15 meals worth of food.  It was a lot of work on the front end, but later I can just pull it out and pretty much just chuck it in the slow cooker.  Anyway, while I was doing this, Jayna had to be put to bed, which involved her goofing around "sitting on the potty" for 15 minutes, while Mara was crying.  After Jayna got her potty fix, he put her to bed (Mara's still crying) and then the babies needed to be fed and put to bed.  Once this was all done, I asked Derrick if he now understood why I'm always so proud of myself that I get anything done during the day.  Needless to say, he didn't really say much.     

Although I can't wait to get back to work, I make sure to enjoy the time I have at home.  I know they don't stay this little for long, just look at how much they've changed in two months!  Until then, the thought of returning to work helps me to get through the day.  10 months and counting......

We've made it so far!!!!

I know that everyone says that you'll think back to the newborn stage and wonder how did we do it?  I definitely remember wondering if we'd survive that stage when Jayna was a newborn and she is about to turn 2 in less than a month.  Although we thought that was a big challenge, I didn't think we'd look back on two months with the twins (and a toddler) so quickly.  

Davin and Mara are nine weeks old today and I can't believe that much time has passed already.  There are definitely still moments (like this morning) when I don't think we'll make it through, but somehow we always do.  We are fortunate that, for the most part, the twins are pretty good babies.  Of course, some days and moments are worse than others.  

I know we still have a long way to go, but as we went to bed last night, I said to Derrick, "We've survived two months!!".  We are both extremely exhausted and busy trying to keep up with all the kids, housework, and just regular life, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Somehow it always seems like it was a lot easier when it's in the past.  We are starting to settle into some kind of a routine.  The babies now go to bed between 730 and 830 which leaves us some adult time, but they sleep sporadically during the day.  I, personally, would prefer to have a set night routine and a better night time sleeper than a napper.  The twins will eventually settle into their own daytime routine, but at least we know what's going on at night.  

On another note, here's a moment that reminds me of the beauty of being a parent.  Jayna was at daycare today and when she came home, she started talking to Davin.  He then gave her a big smile!!!  Jayna also proceeded to give Davin and Mara each a big hug and kiss (gently of course).  She had the biggest smile on her face as well.  I think she genuinely loves them and I really do think they miss each other when she's at daycare.  Is it a coincidence that the twins have had rough days the last two times she was at daycare?

We always talk about winning the lottery and although our bank accounts don't show it, I think we have come as close as we will ever get.  We have three healthy children who have all been pretty cooperative to date!  It doesn't get much better than that. 

Things people say

Over the last couple of months, I have taken the babies (and Jayna when I have her) out shopping and to other public places and here are some of the comments I get.  I'm kind of used to people staring at me, I know it's not every day you see a girl who's six foot two, but now I'm six two with twins!  I'll be standing in an aisle looking for something on the shelf and some people will stop beside me and just stare.  I pretend that I don't notice.  I know that people love babies in general, but they're even more intrigued by multiples.



I'm so excited for you (when I was still pregnant)
     I know that this was just the way people were trying to say that they were happy for our family, but in my head I was freaking out and overwhelmed at the thought of having three children under the age of two.  All I could think was, "are you going to come and live my life for a week.  If so, then you can be excited for me." On that note, we have been ridiculously lucky and overwhelmed with help from family and friends, thank goodness.  I ran into my cousin at the grocery store after we found out we were having twins and he just looked at me, shook his head and said, "Better you than me".  I laughed because that was the first person who seemed to realize that twins would be a huge challenge and not just a super fun novelty to parade around with, although it is double the love!!!!!

Are they twins?
     No, I have my own newborn and didn't find one challenging enough, so I decided to take my friend's newborn out shopping too.  Oh yeah, and I picked up this two year old on the street corner just to add some extra excitement to the outing.  That is what I would really like to say and if someone catches me on the right (or wrong) day, I may just do so, but for now I just say yes.  

Are they identical?
     Are a penis and vagina identical?  If so, then yes, but for now,  I'm going to go with no.

An instant family
     I have heard other mothers of multiples complain about this comment when they are out with their boy/girl twins.  An old man who stopped and stared at us three different times in the store said this to me today.  I instantly felt bad for Jayna, who was not with me at the time.  I was certain to point out to the man that we already had a two year old at home.  I have noticed through the Manitoba Families of Multiples board that there are many families who have had multiples first and then still have more children after.  I don't know why people assume that if you have twins, then that's it.  I would be like assuming that no one will have a third child after they've had two singletons.  

Oh, I always wanted twins
     Many women have said this to me and I just think "Why?"  Once again, I wouldn't change anything for the world, but I would never have asked for this.  Anyone who has had one baby knows how tough it is, now place double the demands on you when you're already sleep deprived and see how fun that is.  I think when people say this, they haven't really been around newborn twins and they just think the novelty of having twins would be great.  People also don't realize the possible complications during pregnancy and the very realistic possibility of having premies.  We were fortunate that Davin and Mara had to be forced out because they were too comfortable, but we have friends of the family who just had their little girls three months early.  We spent our entire pregnancy well aware of the fact that the babies could have arrived at any point and been in the NICU for a chunk of time.

You look great

     I appreciate this comment, but this means one of two things.....I wish I felt as good as I looked or people are lying to me.  I really hope it's the first one.  I'm sure this will come with time.  I have never been so physically exhausted in my whole life.  I do make it a priority to shower every day, even if we aren't going out.  It makes me feel better and it's a few minutes away from the chaos to recharge.  Sometimes this means that they cry for a few minutes, but that's not the end of world.  It also helps me to not resent my children for not allowing me to at least be clean.  This is especially funny now since I had a lady in a store comment on how I must be busy.  I answered with, "I sure am".  She then proceeded to comment in an astonished voice, "Wow, you look like you've actually showered!"  She was even more surprised when I told her I had actually showered.  

I'm sure over time, there will be many more interesting comments.  I've heard other mothers of multiples share some pretty mind boggling comments they have received.  Ok, now off to watch the Super Bowl!

Oh my!!!

Today is a day when I have to remind/tell myself that I love my life!!!! And to think that I only have the babies today as Jayna's at daycare.  Hopefully this afternoon will be a lot better.  I am so looking forward to it being nice outside and on days like this we can go for a walk to keep myself sane and grab a coffee as a reward.

I shouldn't complain too much as a colleague of Derrick's visited work yesterday and said that their newborn has colic and their three year old wakes up every time the baby cries.  Thank goodness Jayna sleeps through the crying babies and that the babies sleep pretty well.  Sometimes you need reminders like to make yourself realize that it could always be worse.

Even though they have their fussy days, the days of baby cuddles are numbered and must be enjoyed, even though I really just want to read my book in silence with a big cup of coffee from Starbucks!