Ever changing

Lately, I can't help but be thinking about where we were a year ago.  For example, this morning we were all in the living room/dining room and I was watching the kids play and thinking about how a year ago, we were still a family of three.  At that moment I was remembering when it was a lot quieter and less hectic.  At the same time, I wouldn't change the never ending craziness for anything.

A year ago, I was sooo uncomfortable and wanted these babies out, but at the same time I was super scared of what that would mean.  I was worried about being able to care for the twins, and I was really worried about how Jayna would react to the new additions.  Fortunately, Jayna could not have been a better big sister.  She was usually pretty gentle and she loved the babies from the start.  Almost a year later and she is still super helpful and just adores her brother and sister.  She is always proud to tell people they are her Mara and Davin when we are out.

I've heard many multiple parents say that the first couple years are a blur and I can completely understand.  I just said to Derrick last night that I know that there were many rough days and it seemed like the end of the world at the time, but looking back now, it could have been so much worse.  Both of our children were healthy, born after 38 weeks, and all around pretty good kids.  Life could have been a lot rougher, as it is for some other families.

In 11 days we will be waking up the babies and saying happy birthday.  I can't believe how much life has changed in that year.  As much as I know their birthday is about them, I don't really see it that way. For some reason, I see a bigger picture and I feel as though it's a celebration for Derrick and I, since we have survived the first year.  There is no doubt in my mind that if we did have a good relationship, we would no longer be together at this point.  I would venture to say that our relationship is actually better than it was before.

Part of me is always a little sad when we see the last of the firsts in our house, yet at the same time, I'm so happy we never have to go through the newborn stage again.  Last night, Davin was a walking machine.  It has yet to be replicated today, but I'm sure he will and I will hopefully get some video.

Well, off to play with the kids and hope the aren't too intrigued by the Christmas tree we put up downstairs last night.

And as promised, here are some pictures from their cake smash done by Robin Marchadour (www.robinmarchadourphotography.com).  We are once again so happy with the product.  What a talent you are Robin.  Thank you so much for giving us amazing pictures of our babes as newborns and now a year later!!!  You always surpass our expectations and we get so many compliments.  

Working Mama

I've just completed my second week of work and everyone keeps asking me how it is.  I'm not sure quite what to say.  I thought motherhood was a giant roller coaster of emotions, but I seem to be on an even bigger roller coaster for the last two weeks.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I was really excited to go back to work.  One of the reasons is that I know that I don't have it in me to be a stay at home mom.  Other reasons were that I love my job, I love feeling like I'm a part of something bigger, I love the social aspect of working (my department is amazing and super fun), and I was looking forward to missing the twins and have quality time (vs quantity).

After the first day, I realized that I made the right choice and I truly do love my job.  I was super happy and flying high after that day.  As the last two weeks have gone on, I've settled in at work (as much as a  Phys Ed teacher can settle in, there's always a billion things going on), but I've also felt very overwhelmed and like my wheels are spinning.  I'm teaching two sections of Phys Ed and two sections of Family Studies.  I'm finding prepping for the new course to be challenging, as it's not where my heart is, although I do enjoy certain aspects of the course.  The first week back, we were hosting conference volleyball playoffs so we were run off our feet and I put it two really long nights.  Last week marked the beginning of basketball season, which means I'm going to be out for some portion of the evening at least 4 nights a week.

I had a basketball meeting Thursday after work and I was feeling extreme guilt that day about not being home and spending a lot of time with the kiddos.  I got home about 6:15, 15 minutes before the twins' bed time and had the best time.  I kept them up a little later so I could enjoy them and it was well worth it.  The kids were all happy to see me, climbing on me, laughing, giving hugs and kisses (Davin and Mara both took a step!).  For half an hour, I truly enjoyed my children without any interruptions.  After feeling ridiculous amounts of guilt, I realized that I shouldn't stress about it.  That half an hour was more enjoyable and had more quality than some days on mat leave when I was just struggling to get through the day.

Unfortunately, guilt comes with the job of being a parent.  In some ways, I'm sure it makes us better parents, as it keeps us accountable, but I think we also need to keep it in check and to not let us be overcome with guilt too often.

People have also asked me how I get everything done and the answer is that I don't.  First of all, I have an extremely helpful and supportive husband and that helps a lot.  Secondly, I'm ok that not everything is done.  Sometimes it kind of drives me crazy, but I'd rather go outside and play with the kids or decorate for Christmas than fold laundry.  On that note, there are probably four loads of laundry that are sitting in the laundry room waiting to be folded and put away.  I'll get to it tomorrow, and if I don't oh well.  My kids are clean and they have clean clothes, so what if they're not folded.  Life is about priorities and spending time with my children is way more important than a little bit of dirt or some folded laundry.

Oh yeah, and the exhaustion.  I don't even know what to say about that.  I'm beyond exhausted.  I get up at 5:45 and I don't stop till at least 9:30 most nights.

In the end, I know everything that needs to get done will get done and life will go on if some things don't get taken care of right away.

On another note, we had pictures taken back on August 9th and we just go them back.....don't ask.  I have included a couple here.  I have also included one from the twins' newborn shoot to compare from when they were born.  We also did a cake smash session a couple weeks ago with our friend Robin and I will be including those in my next post ( www.robinmarchadourphotography.com ).  How much they've changed since August!

August 9th, 2012 (twins 8 months old)

December 11th, 2011 (twins 6 days old)

Daddy's little girl!

Our beautiful big girl