One year ago

Saturday marked the one year anniversary of us finding out that we were having twins.  I will never forget that day and my reaction.  To read the story of my reaction, go to my  first blog entry.  I will never forget this day as it was such a life changer.  It was definitely not something that we expected in the slightest.

I remember thinking that maybe it was a mistake, or I was dreaming.  It took me a long time to come to terms with it and sometimes I still think I'm dreaming.

When I think of this day, I feel like a terrible mother.  I remember feeling terrified and wondering how this could happen to us.  I knew it was a good thing in the long run, but I wondered about my abilities as a mother and if I'd be able to handle three under two years old.  The part that bothers me is that I still look back at that day and have negative feelings.  I'm watching the twins sit on the floor and play together right now and they are so cute.  I can't understand why I feel this way.  They are happy and healthy babies and watching the two of them interact is priceless and brings tears to my eyes.  Watching Jayna interact with them is also amazing.  It's like we have two moms in the house most of the time.

When I was pregnant, and people heard I was having twins, they would say things like "oh you must be so excited", "lucky you", "I always wanted twins".  These are just a few of the things they would say.  I always thought, "Are you freakin' crazy?  No, I'm no excited about having twins, I'm shit scared."  I knew we were very fortunate, but I wasn't excited about having twins.  The reality was this....how were we going to afford daycare, diapers, sports later on, family vacations?  How small will our house become?  How will the kids like sharing bedrooms?  How hard is this going to be?????  One baby's challenging enough.  I really wanted to ask them to come and spend a week with us if they thought it was so great.  I have never met a mother of multiples who has said they would wish having multiples on anyone.  Despite all the love, what does that tell you?

I think that par of me felt irresponsible in a sense.  I felt like we were for sure going to struggle financially, and it was beyond our control.  We didn't choose to have a third child.  Most people get to decide whether or not they can afford another child (whatever the number may be) and then go from there.  We had decided we were ok with two and hadn't yet figured out if a third was a responsible decision for us.  I guess there's a reason everything happens.

July 14th will be a date that I will remember forever and feel overwhelmed and scared when I think of it, but December 5th is the day that truly changed our lives and I will remember that day for all the right reasons.  Being so lucky to have three happy and healthy children who make us smile (and want to pull out our hair) every day is more than we ever could have asked for.

Here are some recent pictures

Mara's first time at the beach.

Davin's first time at the beach.

Jayna, Mara, and Davin meeting their new friend for life Payton (4 days old)!!!